Not too much longer

 

I’m not one to count down days because my dad once said “don’t wish your life away” and my best friend once said “don’t be that girl.” But it is a mere 9 days until my wedding.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that I will not be the greatest wife in the world like the T-shirt I bought myself says I will. I’m scared that I will trip going down the aisle. I’m scared that nothing will go right and no one will be where they need to be on time. I’m scared people won’t have fun.

But my biggest fear isn’t what will happen on November 15th. It’s what will happen on the 16th and beyond. We’ve been saying “we’ll do it in January” a lot –to people we want to hang out with, to each other about big projects, to the world. January is when it all goes to normal. And that is sooner than you think! They are already playing Christmas music at Macy’s!!! MACY’S, the store KNOWN for celebrating Thanksgiving when all other stores ignore it. Thanksgiving is a Macy’s tradition! But that is a rant for another time and another blog.

Anyway, being out of a job has been frustrating but it has afforded me the luxury of time that not a lot of brides get as they plan their wedding. So in that regard, I’ve been fortunate. But that also means that I’ve been planning a wedding and the wedding took over my life in a way that, to be honest, I’m a little ashamed of. I did some other stuff too. I got a website, I took some classes, I wrote (not as much as I should have), and I tried to jump start a dormant acting career.

But honestly, wedding planning has been the answer for all life’s questions for the last 6 months at least.

“Becky, you seem upset?”
“Oh, I’m just mad about this small detail of my wedding that I’m clearly blowing out of proportion but that right now seems to be the only thing that will make the wedding work.”

“Why are you stressed, Becky?”
“Trying to make everything work for the wedding, because I have this notion that I can control it all when I can’t.”

“Becky,  why do you have no time for all these important career boosting events?”
“Ugh, you know how wedding planning is…”

“Becky, why are you so tired?”
“I’m just lying awake thinking about the wedding and all those things I can’t control.”

I’m going to miss that excuse, I’m going to have to come up with new one’s now.

“Becky, you seem upset.”
“Oh, you know I have no idea what I’m doing with my life now that the wedding is over and I’m constantly terrified.”

“Why are you so stressed Becky?”
“Because I haven’t worked in my industry in over 6 months and I’m afraid no one will hire me and if I do get hired it might wreck the little momentum I have in the acting arena.”

“Becky, you’ve got no time for all these important career boosting events.”
“Ugh, you know how lazy I am.”

“Becky, you seem tired”
“I’m staying up until 1am watching ‘Nashville’ to distract myself from my life.” (BTW, how good is that show, how did I JUST start watching it?! Can we talk about my conflicting feelings about Rayna and Deacon?)

I think a lot of brides put off thinking about the after part of the wedding. Maybe because most brides have a job they know they are going back to and a career trajectory they know. Maybe they know whether they want to have kids or not and when that will happen. Maybe most brides have their lives figured out and the wedding only made them temporarily insane.

But to me the day after your wedding seems like the biggest day after Christmas feeling ever. But like the after Christmas feeling looks to New Year’s as a boost, we have our honeymoon right after! And then we have the holidays right after that!

So I guess maybe I’m not so much worried about November 16th as I am about January 2nd.

 

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The Employment Chasm

One of the great things about being with someone is when you stop believing in yourself, you have someone right next to you that still believes in you, even when you are sitting in your sweatpants watching “Seinfeld” re-runs and crying about how you will never amount to anything in life.

It’s annoying.

My fiance solves problems for a living. His title at work is “Solutions Director”.  He’s the Olivia Pope of technology. My best friend is a problem solver extraordinaire. Seriously, I don’t think there is a problem she can’t solve in some way and…moping is not allowed in her presence. My mom is like that too…..sense a pattern here?

The thing is, I am not a solver, I’m a listener. I want to hear all about your problems and how they make you feel. I really like feelings…..clearly.

So when I stop believing in myself and want to sink into my couch and hide, I don’t want to hear about all my options for getting off the couch, I want to talk about WHY I’m on the couch.  This is not productive and logically, I know that. But it’s part of my process for getting through issues.

And this one’s a doozy. I’ve been unemployed for a while. Being unemployed sucks. Being unemployed in your 30’s sucks even more because in your mind, you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I know I work in an industry that is mercurial. It’s essential to hop from one job to another, but the hope is that the hop is just that, a short jump between job to job like hopping across stones.  What you dread and what is happening to me now, is the leap, a giant leap across a chasm of employment, and there is a net, sure, but the net gets thinner and thinner as the leap becomes longer and longer. And at some point, the net disappears entirely.

What was once “a week or two to catch up on house work and writing” becomes “those months where I baked a cake everyday and then ate the whole thing.”

When I was single, I thought that it would feel different when I was in a relationship. That the employment chasm wouldn’t make me feel so desparate. But that’s a misconception. I almost feel worse. Now I have someone counting on me.  But worse than that, I have this person that is cheering me on, who believes that I can be everything I can be.  And while that sounds like paradise to single me (and believe me, I’m very lucky to have that), it adds the stress.

If this person thinks I can do it. If this person has faith in me to be the best producer, writer and actress I can be, then I HAVE to do it. For me and for them. I have to be the most successful person in my field because this person is rooting for me. I end up putting tons of pressure on myself which sinks me deeper into my couch and paralyzes me. But I know this is not what my fiance intends to happen. He just wants me to try my best.

It’s kind of like being a Cubs fan. I’m a life long fan of the Chicago Cubs. They never win, I know that. But the reason that fans keep believing that they can win, the reason that the city of Chicago hasn’t bulldozed Wrigley Field is because they try. The team doesn’t go out on the field and try to lose (although sometimes it seems like that…how can the team be THAT bad?!). But they try to win. They don’t forfeit games because they don’t feel like playing or give up because they have a shitty bullpen and maybe 2 guys who can hit the ball. They play. They play with the team they have as best they can.

And that is what gets me off the couch and out into the world again.

 

But seriously, how are the Cubs that bad?