All The Feelings

I’m writing this post-wedding and post honeymoon, so this won’t be as emotionally charged as it would have been say….the day after the wedding. When all the feelings happened.

First, let’s talk wedding weekend. It was amazing. A friend told me that she would have told everyone she knows to elope while she was planning her wedding, until she actually experienced the wedding weekend. I felt the exact same way. We had a blast! For a while before the wedding I started to second guess everything I planned, I thought I compromised things I shouldn’t have, I started to be afraid that I would regret this and that, your regular panic attack inducing thought spirals….but it was all amazing. Thanks to our designer, caterer, photographer, BAND (AMAZING), cake baker, coordinator, our friends, and our families. Notice I did not say anything about our shuttle service provider…’nuff said.

If you are planning a wedding right now and want to throw up your hands and run to Vegas, read this and know — it is worth it. As long as you let go of everything on the morning before your wedding. Everything is in motion by then and all you need to do is be the bride. All the planning and all the stressing, it is worth it.

There were hitches, of course (see above shuttle service comment), but for the most part, it was the exact wedding I planned.

Then the morning after happened. We had a lovely brunch at the hotel where we were all staying and as I said goodbye to some guests that afternoon it started to dawn on me…. this is over. The planning is over. The anticipation is over. All those reasons to get together with friends and family this past year…over.

I am very close with my friends, to the point that someone remarked that they were surprised my friends weren’t coming on my honeymoon. When you move away from home and live in a big city your friends become your family. And since moving to LA, I missed my second family. But having a wedding, bridal showers, and a bachelorette party gave so many reasons to see them. And planning the wedding in my hometown gave me extra reasons to see my real family.

Plus, I wasn’t a bride anymore, I would never be a bride again. I know it sounds bratty, but it’s fun to be the bride! A couple of friends are getting married next year and I found myself being jealous of them. Jealous of the whole journey they are about to take. The way I’m jealous of people that have just started watching “The Wire” for the first time. It’s exciting and scary and everyone walks away with their own take on it. When I told my husband (eep!) that, he was like “have you forgotten the last year?!”. I guess so, I guess it’s a little like a mother forgetting how childbirth feels once she’s holding her baby.

On top of all that, I was exhausted. I didn’t sleep for the last few days before the wedding from all the stress and excitement. I was this raw, tired, premenstrual (oh yeah) nerve.

But I was also beyond happy and relieved. We had pulled this thing off! And I had married this incredible person who I couldn’t imagine loving more yet find myself falling more and more in love. I am now someone’s wife.

I feel bad for the amount of crying I did on my first full day of marriage. But because my husband and I have been together for a while now, he got it. Thank God for the honeymoon where I didn’t cry at all (until we left because it was perfect and I didn’t want to come home).

And now we are married…. I have lots of feelings about that.

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A marathon not a sprint

The year I turned 30, I ran a half marathon.

I’m not a runner, like by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, in New York I hardly ever ran for a train or bus. Nowhere is important enough that you need to run to get there. Running is reserved for serial killers chasing you and that is about it.

But I digress. I ran this damn half marathon. Not before I almost quit, a million times. And I had every excuse, I pulled a ligament, it got too cold to train, I hated it….but I did it because while I’m an ambitious person, I felt like I had never finished anything I started.

I started with acting at a young age, after college that got hard, so I went to improv, wasn’t making headway there so I moved to sketch comedy, then storytelling, then solo show performance and now writing. I never really stuck to one thing.

And now…I’m promising to be with someone FOREVER.

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I’m faced with the question of “why?”. Why do I think I can do this forever, when everything else in my life ends after a few years?

Just when I’m about to spiral downward into a pit of self doubt. I think about my friends.  My very best friends in the world are from childhood, high school and college.

“But friendship and marriage are two different things…”, you say.

“Are they?”, I say to you.

Stick with me here. What I love about my friendships is that we have grown up. Together. We have changed and evolved and we’ve given each other the space and grace to do so. Sure, change is weird. And sometimes hard to adjust to, but when you find people that grow with you, that is something worth holding on to.

Cut to marriage. No two people stay the same over the course of 50 years. Or at least they shouldn’t. They should fundamentally stay who they are and stick to core beliefs. But wants and needs evolve over time. That is expected. And I’m really good at rolling with the punches. I’m pretty flexible and accommodating.  I feel like I have the understanding to be with someone who is changing and either give them the space to do it or support them. And  I feel like my fiance, while maybe not as good with rolling with punches, is supportive, understanding and accepting…except for if I decided to become a vegan…that would be totally unacceptable to him as an avid meat eater (think Ron Swanson levels of meat love).

So when I start to panic. I just think about my best friends and all that we’ve gone through together – the moves, the fights, breakups, lost jobs, marriages, babies, divorces, and death. Then I start to feel like, “Yea, I can do this forever thing….as long as he doesn’t want to move to Florida.” (Just kidding….but seriously, I never want to live in Florida).