You’ll understand when you’re…

UGH! That phrase! It seems like you hear it your entire life!

“You’ll understand when you’re older” “You’ll understand when you have a job””You’ll understand when you have bills to pay, get married, HAVE KIDS”

And no one likes to use that phrase more than mothers: yours, someone else’s, your mom friends.  As someone who is having their first kid, I’m sort of in between the mom world and the child-free world. But I see both sides so clearly these days. And I gotta be honest, in the words of Tina Fey..”There’s been some girl on girl crime here.”

So I came up with a few do’s and don’ts for moms and their child free friends that can help us all get a long better and neither party feels shitty about the other.

  • Mothers have used “you’ll understand when you’re a mom” on their child-free friends for decades and it is shitty as hell. First, you are assuming that the child-free friend WANTS a child and second, you are assuming they can have a child.  Also, it’s patronizing, these aren’t little kids, these are your friends. If you dont feel like they are seeing things from your perspective….use your words and tell them just that. Of course there are certain things you don’t get unless you experience it. For example, I will never be President, so I don’t know the stresses that go along with it. That’s why you see ex-POTUS’s hanging out with each other, no matter what their party affiliation. They just get what it’s like to deal with foreign leaders and the press and whatever else Presidents do from day to day.
  • Child free ladies, can you stop turning up your nose at invites you get that may involve your mom friend’s kids? They are trying, okay? They want to see you but the babysitter cancelled/dad has to work/ locked themselves out of the house. I think moms more than anything NEED that shred of their “old life”. They want to talk about your life and fashion and movies they can’t see and shows they watch on Hulu while breast pumping at 3am.  So please, be patient and be ready to talk about “Empire”. In addition, please don’t stop asking your mom friends to do stuff! They want to be a part of everything, they just can’t all the time.
  • Moms, stop telling your child free friends that they “don’t know real love” because they do not have kids. That’s bullshit. It is a completely different kind of love that you experience, but it’s definitely not the only real kind of love out there. The idea that someone can’t experience love because they don’t care for a child is ridiculous!
  • Both moms and their CF friends, don’t throw your life choices in the other’s face. Moms, you get to snuggle little ones and CF’s you get to travel, party, shop for yourself guilt free and …..okay, I clearly haven’t yet embraced motherhood. But you see what I mean. You don’t have to keep reminding me about your disposable income and I won’t tell you about the acid reflux that wakes me up at 2 a.m. (I really need to start getting used to this mom thing).
  • Moms have to stop assuming that every woman wants what you have or that something is wrong with women who don’t. And CF’s…that goes for you too. Women who want kids aren’t crazy or trapped in the patriarchal machine, they just want something that you don’t. Do you judge your friend who wants a salad for lunch when you want a burger (of course you do, that was a bad example) But you get my drift.

We are all in this together, ladies. So let’s just cut each other some slack.

The Thin Pink Line

I wrote this about 2 days after finding out I was pregnant, I’m 13 weeks now. Over the next few days I’ll post some of the things I wrote before we let the cat out of the bag this weekend. This whole thing is a process and I think it is important that women can read something besides blogs about how blessed and amazing they feel with gross titles like “The Day I Become a Whole Person”, “The Best Thing That Has or Will Ever Happen To You” or “AREN’T YOU SO EXCITED YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY?! IT IS MAGICAL”, especially in the early months when they are still adjusting to the idea. 

 

“Oh shit”, is all I could say as I sat in the bathroom of a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and read the pregnancy test I had just taken. But the second line was faint not a dark pink, like the single “no” line. It was light pink, dare I say, baby pink? It’s a fluke, was my first thought. Then I wondered if I had peed wrong? Or did I hold the stick wrong?

I took to Google, as you do in times of scientific quandary. And the overwhelming verdict was “a line is a line is a line, faint or not. Becky, you pregnant, girl”.

This was not planned. At all.

After the hill incident this summer I was forced to go off the pill and given some of my other medical history (I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome back in 2002), we did not think that an “oops” pregnancy was really in the cards for us.

WE WERE WRONG.

I started freaking out the way a teenager might freak out…okay, maybe a little less, seeing as telling my mom and dad resulted in tears of joy, not tears of anger.

I know a lot of women who know they want to be mothers. Some have always known, others get that feeling as they get older and/or meet the person they want to spend their life with.  But not me. I was nor am I one of those kinds of women.

Since this summer, I have seen lots of doctors and I had to inform them first that I was pregnant. They all sounded so happy and so excited!

“Congratulations!”, they would squeal. I had one OBGYN nurse hug me.

And all I could do was smile back weakly.

“Are you excited?!”, the OBGYN nurse chirped.

“Oh, yeah….I guess it hasn’t all sunk in yet,” I would manage to choke out.

But I’m not even sure that’s the case at all. If I’m being 100% honest with you, when I saw the first sonogram and the doctor and that freakin’ nurse where cooing over “that’s your baby” as I looked a screen with a sort of bean on it, I felt zero feelings. I simply turned to them and said “cool, can you print a picture for my husband? I have to get to the office.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you are supposed to say when you are 35, happily married and pregnant for the first time. I imagine what you are SUPPOSED to say is “We are so excited! We have prayed for this! We can’t wait to be parents!” But for me, I am terrified. I am so worried about becoming a “Mom”. See, things haven’t really gone as planned in my career, I’m not even close to where I want to be professionally and to be quite honest, I’m not even sure where I want to be anymore which makes the prospect of motherhood even scarier.

I’m not stay at home mom material. Some women are and that is so awesome for them and I am happy they get to live the life they want. But for me, I need to work and be creative and be a part of something bigger than my now 3 person family. I fear though because of this lack of a career stronghold, it’s exactly what I’ll become. And then I will resent the kid and my husband and myself. And oh God, what if I try to live vicariously through whatever my kid wants to do or WORSE what if I crush their dreams because I feel mine were crushed? How do I stay social? How do I stay healthy mentally and physically? How do I keep my marriage happy and healthy?

HOW?!

I imagine that these are questions that women face everyday of their lives before and after the birth of their child. And I know I’m not alone. At least I think that logically. But in the blogosphere and all over social media are perfect, happy, smiling moms who joke about their kids but seem to be have happy lives. They are making it work. And I guess that’s what I have to do to a certain extent. But I can’t fight the overwhelming urge to do EVERYTHING I have wanted to do and cram it into the next 6 months before it is too late. I have to write every screenplay idea I have, every TV pilot, I have to go on every audition, film every sketch and edit every reel. I need to learn to ski and climb a mountain. I need to become a French chef, get into shape (somehow), organize my closet, label EVERYTHING, cook meals for the next year that I can freeze.

But I’m EXHAUSTED!  And I’m nauseous. I’m reading all these damn books about eating right and stuff and all I want to eat is a carbs and sugar. But more than anything I feel, I feel nothing.

I don’t feel like this is actually happening I feel like I am floating above myself, watching this play out and being like an obnoxious moviegoer in a horror movie. “BECKY! DO NOT GO IN THERE! RUN!”. I feel like my body doesn’t belong to me anymore and it occurs to me that this is the first of many many things that don’t belong to me anymore.  My body, my life, my time, my space, my heart.

It’s all a bit too much for me  So you will have to excuse me, OBGYN Nurse if I am less than stoked about this thing sucking everything from me.

My sister is gonna hate this…

I realized that last year, wedding year, I wrote posts about my mom and dad on their respective days. But it being siblings day, I can tell you a little about my sister – my matron of honor (if we are keeping the wedding theme going). First of all, she will hate this because feelings are not her thing. But buckle up, sis, I’m bringing all the feelings.

So there I was, sitting for the toasts at the reception and the best man finishes a really beautiful speech. I expect my dad to start or my maid of honor to go up. My sister hates being the center of attention (yes, we are opposites) and had decided not to give a matron of honor toast. But as I looked around for my dad, my sister appears at the front of the hall with the microphone in hand. She tells the story of our complicated childhood of her constant torments (she tried to sell me outside a grocery store when I was a baby for 5 cents) and she talks about how totally different we are. Then she says we are the best of friends now. And I was a puddle. She of course ended the speech by tormenting me one more time. But that’s my sister. She’s surprising and complicated.

Actually, she’s simple and complicated. She’s simple in that she says exactly what she thinks. There is no guessing on subtext or implications. My sister is the most honest, straightforward human I have ever known. Sometimes to a fault. I’m the opposite. I’m not a liar, my sister would have never put up with that crap. No, I’m a diplomat — younger siblings often are the mediators and the family– I say only what needs to be said or I say the things that you don’t want to hear in a way that you might be okay hearing them. Not my sister, if that dress is ugly, you will KNOW that dress is ugly. And she isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, that’s what you have to know about my sister. In fact, she’s trying to help you. She wants you to look good. This was something I had to remind myself while we were wedding dress shopping. She wants me to look good, she wants me to be gorgeous on my wedding day. That is why she said that the strapless number with the ruffles I loved made me look like a marshmallow. My sister would never do something out of malice…she is far too kind for that.

And THAT is where she is so complicated. You see this honest, doesn’t give a fuck exterior and you think she’s tough, she’s hard, she doesn’t care about what you think or anything. That is where you don’t know my sister like I do. She is incredibly kind. She is so amazingly unselfish and giving. She’s generous…to a fault. And she’s so funny. My sister makes me laugh more than most people. She’s got this great brand of self deprecating humor that comes directly from my grandmother. My Mimi. When Mimi passed away, for a while, the only person that I wanted to talk to was my sister. Because she made me laugh, she let me cry and then she made me stop…because all those pesky feelings.

But here is her secret: she’s got more feelings than any of us. Underneath it all, she’s sensitive. I don’t think she cried during my wedding ceremony, but at the end of the father/daughter dance, I snuck a peek at her wiping her eyes and sniffling.

My sister has taught me how to not take shit which I am still working on.  My sister has taught me not to care what other people think of me.  My sister has taught me to step outside my comfort zone. She’s taught me about honesty, about expectations, about life…

I’m so lucky that she is my big sister. She was my first friend, my first enemy and my first teacher.

DelGuercio0497

All The Feelings

I’m writing this post-wedding and post honeymoon, so this won’t be as emotionally charged as it would have been say….the day after the wedding. When all the feelings happened.

First, let’s talk wedding weekend. It was amazing. A friend told me that she would have told everyone she knows to elope while she was planning her wedding, until she actually experienced the wedding weekend. I felt the exact same way. We had a blast! For a while before the wedding I started to second guess everything I planned, I thought I compromised things I shouldn’t have, I started to be afraid that I would regret this and that, your regular panic attack inducing thought spirals….but it was all amazing. Thanks to our designer, caterer, photographer, BAND (AMAZING), cake baker, coordinator, our friends, and our families. Notice I did not say anything about our shuttle service provider…’nuff said.

If you are planning a wedding right now and want to throw up your hands and run to Vegas, read this and know — it is worth it. As long as you let go of everything on the morning before your wedding. Everything is in motion by then and all you need to do is be the bride. All the planning and all the stressing, it is worth it.

There were hitches, of course (see above shuttle service comment), but for the most part, it was the exact wedding I planned.

Then the morning after happened. We had a lovely brunch at the hotel where we were all staying and as I said goodbye to some guests that afternoon it started to dawn on me…. this is over. The planning is over. The anticipation is over. All those reasons to get together with friends and family this past year…over.

I am very close with my friends, to the point that someone remarked that they were surprised my friends weren’t coming on my honeymoon. When you move away from home and live in a big city your friends become your family. And since moving to LA, I missed my second family. But having a wedding, bridal showers, and a bachelorette party gave so many reasons to see them. And planning the wedding in my hometown gave me extra reasons to see my real family.

Plus, I wasn’t a bride anymore, I would never be a bride again. I know it sounds bratty, but it’s fun to be the bride! A couple of friends are getting married next year and I found myself being jealous of them. Jealous of the whole journey they are about to take. The way I’m jealous of people that have just started watching “The Wire” for the first time. It’s exciting and scary and everyone walks away with their own take on it. When I told my husband (eep!) that, he was like “have you forgotten the last year?!”. I guess so, I guess it’s a little like a mother forgetting how childbirth feels once she’s holding her baby.

On top of all that, I was exhausted. I didn’t sleep for the last few days before the wedding from all the stress and excitement. I was this raw, tired, premenstrual (oh yeah) nerve.

But I was also beyond happy and relieved. We had pulled this thing off! And I had married this incredible person who I couldn’t imagine loving more yet find myself falling more and more in love. I am now someone’s wife.

I feel bad for the amount of crying I did on my first full day of marriage. But because my husband and I have been together for a while now, he got it. Thank God for the honeymoon where I didn’t cry at all (until we left because it was perfect and I didn’t want to come home).

And now we are married…. I have lots of feelings about that.

1477501_10205417668991042_583609451756491967_n

Not too much longer

 

I’m not one to count down days because my dad once said “don’t wish your life away” and my best friend once said “don’t be that girl.” But it is a mere 9 days until my wedding.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that I will not be the greatest wife in the world like the T-shirt I bought myself says I will. I’m scared that I will trip going down the aisle. I’m scared that nothing will go right and no one will be where they need to be on time. I’m scared people won’t have fun.

But my biggest fear isn’t what will happen on November 15th. It’s what will happen on the 16th and beyond. We’ve been saying “we’ll do it in January” a lot –to people we want to hang out with, to each other about big projects, to the world. January is when it all goes to normal. And that is sooner than you think! They are already playing Christmas music at Macy’s!!! MACY’S, the store KNOWN for celebrating Thanksgiving when all other stores ignore it. Thanksgiving is a Macy’s tradition! But that is a rant for another time and another blog.

Anyway, being out of a job has been frustrating but it has afforded me the luxury of time that not a lot of brides get as they plan their wedding. So in that regard, I’ve been fortunate. But that also means that I’ve been planning a wedding and the wedding took over my life in a way that, to be honest, I’m a little ashamed of. I did some other stuff too. I got a website, I took some classes, I wrote (not as much as I should have), and I tried to jump start a dormant acting career.

But honestly, wedding planning has been the answer for all life’s questions for the last 6 months at least.

“Becky, you seem upset?”
“Oh, I’m just mad about this small detail of my wedding that I’m clearly blowing out of proportion but that right now seems to be the only thing that will make the wedding work.”

“Why are you stressed, Becky?”
“Trying to make everything work for the wedding, because I have this notion that I can control it all when I can’t.”

“Becky,  why do you have no time for all these important career boosting events?”
“Ugh, you know how wedding planning is…”

“Becky, why are you so tired?”
“I’m just lying awake thinking about the wedding and all those things I can’t control.”

I’m going to miss that excuse, I’m going to have to come up with new one’s now.

“Becky, you seem upset.”
“Oh, you know I have no idea what I’m doing with my life now that the wedding is over and I’m constantly terrified.”

“Why are you so stressed Becky?”
“Because I haven’t worked in my industry in over 6 months and I’m afraid no one will hire me and if I do get hired it might wreck the little momentum I have in the acting arena.”

“Becky, you’ve got no time for all these important career boosting events.”
“Ugh, you know how lazy I am.”

“Becky, you seem tired”
“I’m staying up until 1am watching ‘Nashville’ to distract myself from my life.” (BTW, how good is that show, how did I JUST start watching it?! Can we talk about my conflicting feelings about Rayna and Deacon?)

I think a lot of brides put off thinking about the after part of the wedding. Maybe because most brides have a job they know they are going back to and a career trajectory they know. Maybe they know whether they want to have kids or not and when that will happen. Maybe most brides have their lives figured out and the wedding only made them temporarily insane.

But to me the day after your wedding seems like the biggest day after Christmas feeling ever. But like the after Christmas feeling looks to New Year’s as a boost, we have our honeymoon right after! And then we have the holidays right after that!

So I guess maybe I’m not so much worried about November 16th as I am about January 2nd.

 

225652_5736921274_190_n

Envelopes and Bumpers

I think it started with the invitations, but it was probably going on under the surface for a while….the unraveling of my sanity.

I mean, first came the car incident. I call it an incident and not an accident because accident implies a certain amount of seriousness that this incident did not have. I hit a parked car going 5 mph, not a big deal but I did mess up my bumper pretty good.  And I was driving for a riding sharing program at the time.

Maybe it goes back to that. To when I had to start driving for the ride sharing program because with so many conflicts I had for wedding related activities, I wasn’t able to find sustainable work in my field. So waking up at 6am to drive people to work was probably when the threads of my sanity started to fray. And the constant concern that I wasn’t pulling my weight. Once the incident occurred, insurance was no help with the damaged bumper, in fact, insurance was the opposite of helpful.

Then… there were the invitations. Let me just say that I am pleased with how they turned out, the design is exactly what I wanted and blah blah blah. But it was envelope drama that got me. I’ll spare you the details because that shit is boring, but suffice to say I spent way more time at paper stores talking about paper than I ever have or ever plan to in my whole life..which paper held ink best and which wouldn’t make my custom rubber stamp smudge as the originally purchased envelopes had. And I was running on a deadline.

I work well under deadlines usually, but this time was different and as I shouted at my fiance that THIS WILL NEVER WORK!! It hit both of us that the last two months was starting to take a toll on me.

Then today as I sat in my car in the Trader Joe’s parking lot crying about not having a good enough dress for my rehearsal dinner and angrily texting that at it HAD TO BE IVORY, I thought that maybe I’m missing the point of this whole thing.

The tough thing about planning a wedding is seeing passed the details and looking at the big picture. I think that’s true for planning any big event whether it’s a party or a TV show. Sometimes getting it just right, the way you have it in your head, gets to be more important than the actual thing you are planning. I need to constantly remind myself that whether or not we have the correct number of gift bags that at the end of the weekend, I won’t just be the bride, I will be someone’s wife.

It’s scary and exhilarating to think about being able to say to the world, “This is my husband, I am his wife” . So in a way, it’s easier to be the bride and obsess over dresses and invitations than it is to be the wife and deal with wrecked cars and stalled careers.

And soon enough, I won’t have envelopes to freak out over or cakes to pick out and I’ll have to get my bumper fixed, and that’s probably the most terrifying thought of all.

An Open Letter To Buy Buy Baby

Dear Buy Buy Baby,

My fiance and I registered for our wedding at Bed Bath and Beyond and within 36 hours of doing so, I began receiving emails from you for baby products. Now I’m no idiot, I understand how cross promotion works….but really? After registering for a wedding? What about a wedding in November makes you, Buy Buy Baby, think that I’m going to have a baby?! Immediately I felt violated and insulted.

Then I thought, maybe I’m crazy for feeling this way. I’m over-reacting, they’re just emails from a spambot in Denver somewhere. Then Shutterfly accidentally sent out thousands of marketing emails for new mothers and fathers….to people who are not new mothers and fathers. In fact, they aren’t mothers and fathers AT ALL. And people kind of lost it, as well they should. I didn’t feel so alone anymore in my outrage towards you, Buy Buy Baby.

First and foremost, what’s with the assumptions? You, like most of the world, are assuming that because I’m getting married I will be having children one day. Well you, and most of the world can chill the f**k out. Now I’m not saying that I don’t want kids….I might. But don’t rush me Buy Buy Baby. Maybe I just want to enjoy being married for a few years. Travel. Have a dog. Buy a house. Get further along in my career. Or maybe….just maybe, I don’t want kids at all. And that is okay. Would it be so terrible if it was just the two of us forever? And if you answered yes, then maybe you need to be questioning yourself Buy Buy Baby, not me.

And it isn’t just you, Buy Buy Baby. It’s everyone you meet. Strangers ask about babies when you tell them you are engaged. Friends, relatives, friends of relatives, they all ask “so are you going to have kids?”. Look, I know its a social nicety. They are making conversation and what do you ask a couple who you just found out is getting married? Why, you ask them an extremely personal and private question about a HUGE life decision, of course. But that sort of intrusiveness starts when you first start dating someone. You get people saying “when do you think you’ll get engaged?”. Then once that happens they want to know about kids, then they tell you how to raise those kids. It’s odd because when you get a new job, no one asks, “When do you think you’ll get promoted?”. Because that is rude and no one’s business. Yet somehow your reproductive plan is totally their business.

Second of all, getting baby registry emails from you Buy Buy Baby seems to be a comment on what society expects of women. It’s just not sending the right message, it’s saying  that we haven’t gotten any further than kindergarten: first comes love, then comes marriage, than comes someone in a baby carriage. What about revising this for the 21st century: first comes love, then comes a thoughtful cohabitation then comes marriage, then comes a period of learning more about each other as a couple and developing your career, getting a dog, then MAYBE a thoughtful and conscious decision to put someone in a baby carriage. Sure, it isn’t as catchy as the other, but it certainly makes more sense. I raise this point especially for ladies who know for sure that they don’t want kids.s. Lay off them Buy Buy Baby. Stop sending them passive aggressive emails about onesies and nipple guards. Women have plenty of other corporations trying to tell us how and when to make a baby. We really don’t need your ill-timed promotions for breast pumps and baby monitors.

Look Buy Buy Baby, I don’t want to come off harsh. You have a place in this world. People have babies every 2 seconds or something crazy like that and they need your 12-packs of adorable tiny socks and those cute towels that have hoods for after bath time. I have purchased items from you for many of my friends and I was overjoyed to do so. My friends are awesome and we need more awesome people in the world. All I’m asking Buy Buy Baby is for you to think before you send an email to a newly engaged woman. She is going to face loads of pressure in the time she’s engaged and then even more pressure once she’s a newlywed to have babies. Her mother, her grandmother, her coworkers and friends are all going to ask about her plans for the future, meanwhile she’s just trying to plan a wedding without killing her husband-to-be because he refuses to write a thank you note for an engagement present they got 6 months ago!

Just give me/her a minute! Let me get a plant first and see if I can keep it alive. Then a dog. Then maybe…MAYBE….we can talk about that stroller that is on sale for $99.99.

Best,

Becky

Weight a Minute

With almost 5 months until the big day, I’ve had a lot on my mind. A lot of my hips, thighs and butt to be exact. And to be honest, I’m freaking the f**k out about it.

The mania to lose weight before your wedding is insane. I’ve always been overweight, but at no point in my life have people just said out loud TO MY FACE “So you are going to lose weight. right?” Like….what?! But when you get engaged, among a lot of stupid things people say to you, the weight loss question gets brought up the most. And I’ve seen it happen to brides much skinnier than me. I mean, no one ever says to the groom “I bet you are going to get rid of that gut before the wedding”.   But somehow the idea of brides on juice fasts is just another part of the wedding industry machine.

Guys, I really thought I had this part of wedding planning covered. I’m old pro at dieting. Food has been my best frenemy since middle school. Years of therapy helped me pinpoint the triggers to unhealthy eating and dieting habits. And a HUGE event deadline? Well let’s just say that  I thank God every day for therapy because without that, I’d be an even bigger mess about wedding weight loss than I am today.

For those of you fortunate enough to never have to go through this, let me lay it out for you. You’re going along fine, eating whatever you want, then you get yourself on a diet. You measure your Greek yogurt, you put your fruit in Tupperware and when everyone is having cake for Helen in accounting’s birthday, you politely decline and have a carrot. You’re so proud of yourself and the weight is coming off. Then something happens….you stop losing, you have a really bad day,  or you’re too tired one night to make your baked chicken and steamed spinach for dinner, so you order a pizza. Then you figure, well I had pizza, might as well get some ice cream. And then you remember how much better pizza and ice cream is than baked chicken. And it’s over. There’s tons of self loathing, which leads to more eating. And now you are back to where you started, plus 5 pounds.

THAT is one of the many reasons why going on some crazy diet or meal plan is not something I am interested in. Because while I haven’t lost much weight, I haven’t gained it either. And as they said back in my Weight Watchers days, sometimes no gain is a loss.

But if I’m totally honest with you the whole weight loss issue boils down to one thing: pictures.  Pictures that last for the rest of your life, that you hang in your house as a reminder of that special day, that your grand kids will look at one day and say “Gee Grammy, you were so pretty!” or “Oh wow Grammy, you look exactly the same!”.  I don’t want to be going through my wedding photos and nixing gorgeous shots because I think my arm looks fat or I have a double chin.

Part of me feels like this is an unavoidable thing since most women whether they’re thin, average, overweight or professional models all think they look terrible in pictures. I have one friend with not an ounce of fat on her, that thinks her smile is weird. I have another gorgeous friend who hates her arms ( I can relate), and another who works hard at avoiding a double chin in photos so much that she contorts herself in ways unimaginable before taking a photo. Women are so hard on themselves.

I go to spin class and inevitably in almost every class there is a bride-to-be working her ass off and an instructor yelling “YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD IN THAT DRESS!”. It’s upsetting and disturbing. But you better believe I start pushing harder too. I certainly don’t want to look back on wedding photos and be embarrassed at the big fat girl stuffing her face with cake.

I know that tons of you out there will be helpful and say, “I know a great diet!”. And let me say in advance, thanks but no thanks. It is dieting that messed me up so much in the first place, so I’m good without the 30 Day All Pineapple plan or the 22 week Protein Solution or whatever. And you are probably saying to yourself, “it’s only 5 months, get over it”. And part of me agrees with you. But its the principle here.

As a lifelong dieter, I’m sick of it. Sick of counting fat, calories, carbs, sodium or whatever we are supposed to be counting these days. I swear, if I have to measure one more cup of Greek yogurt I’m going to scream! And plain steamed broccoli?! No one really wants to eat that, if they say they do, they are lying!  I want to eat delicious things! As an adult, I’ve learned that delicious doesn’t mean fattening…. all the time. But I want to want fruits and vegetables because they are fresh and taste good, not because they are zero points on Weight Watchers. I want to want to workout not because some trainer is shouting at me about dress sizes, but because I want to run faster and be stronger.

This is a rough conclusion to come to at this moment in my life. This moment where enthusiasm for steamed broccoli and Greek yogurt needs to be at an all time high and desire for  donuts needs to be eliminated. Especially because if I do want to lose weight I’ve found that counting is the best way to do it.

This post took me 2 weeks to write because this is such a loaded topic, not just for me and not just for brides-to-be but for lots of women. I have no real solution. No real answer that will both let me eat pizza and ice cream and lose weight. Or eat Greek yogurt and steam spinach and feel satisfied.

All I know is I’m wearing a wedding dress in 5 months…and I hate my arms.

 

 

 

Mother of The Bride

On Facebook for Mother’s Day tons of my friends are posting pictures of them and their moms from their wedding day. And for the first time in this whole process, I got really excited.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to get married. But when you get engaged a year and a half out from your wedding, it can be hard to maintain excitement all the time. To be honest, I was starting to worry that I was a weird bride….until I logged into Facebook this morning and saw all those young brides and their happy mama’s posed in various states of wedding day bliss.

I started to tear up, imagining what that moment was like for each girl. The one in just her veil with jeans and a button down shirt (don’t want to mess up the hair) holding glasses of champagne. Were they nervous?  The picture of the girl and her mom as she is about to walk down the aisle. What was her mom whispering to her? The party shot of mom and daughter dancing. What song was playing? Was it their song?

I imagine that on the day of my wedding, my mom will be the rock she has always been for me. She will be the person that keeps us all smiling if the hair and makeup people are running late or the limo to the church breaks down. Because that is what she does. When things are bad, she smiles, and she finds reasons to be happy. And she encourages me to do the same.

I’m lucky that I’m basically a carbon copy of my mother. I used to not think this was a good thing. I think we all try to rebel against the inevitability of being our parents. But I’m lucky that I had such an amazing role model.  I think I have a little less of her Pollyanna outlook than she would like me to have, but that’s just my father’s pragmatism kicking in as I get older. But I have her patience, I have her can do attitude (most of the time), and I can only hope that I have half as much of her compassion and kindness.

When my fiance and I were picking a verse for our wedding, we went through all the obvious choices including, of course, 1 Corinthians. To be honest, while it is a beautiful verse about love and what love is, we were looking for something that meant a lot to us. We ended up with the same verse my parents had at their wedding, Ruth 1:16.

But in re-visiting 1 Corinthians, it seems more appropriate for Mother’s Day than for any other occasion. Read it again and think about the time you vomited on your mom’s favorite blouse, think about all the terrible school plays she smiled during, the ballgame’s in the scorching heat that she enthusiastically cheered through, the tears and snot she wiped with her other favorite blouse, the money she spent on your braces and not on buying a new favorite blouse…..your teenage years….

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Mom and Young Becky Easter

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

 

“Me” Time, Part II

So after I posted the last blog, my fiance read it.

Actually he read it before I posted it because he proofs my spelling and grammar.

Anyway, it spawned a discussion of selfishness that left me feeling, well, less than stellar about my abilities to be a good human in a life long relationship.

And not due to anything he said, well, yes due to something he said, but not in the way that you think.

So he read it and laughed at the appropriate places. Then when he was done I asked if he thought I was selfish and he said, “Yes….but so am I.”

He went on to explain that it isn’t so much a selfishness issue as it is a control issue. I like to control time and he likes to be in charge of resources. Which (as the title indicates) is pretty spot on. I don’t think he is controlling about money, he just likes to be the one that knows where everything is going and appropriates it accordingly. But I am definitely controlling with time…..especially my own time.

I am constantly making plans without telling him, or not telling anyone for that matter, and then I just expect him to do what I need him to do. This is a pretty typical conversation on a Saturday morning at our house:

Me: So first to the gym, then Target, then brunch with so and so, then tonight dinner with such and such.

Him: Am I going with you to all of this?

Me: Of course, now get your gym clothes on, we are already 10 minutes behind schedule.

Now if this conversation was to be reversed, he would ask me when I wanted to do all the things we needed to do. Which I would reply, “not now, I’m not ready”.

My time hoarding is especially evident when we are planning a trip or rather when I am telling him we are going on a trip. See, in my defense, I have been so used to picking up and going when someone says “Let’s go somewhere”. I didn’t have to take into a account another person. Let’s not even touch on the financial part of this, but I never had to worry about another person’s schedule. Work, life, family obligations. I know what I can do, and what I can do is go right now, so you should too.

Our talk that day ended with him saying “It’s something we both need to work on. And we will.” Because he is awesome.

That is when I spiraled. I thought to myself “But I like doing things the way that I do them now! I don’t want to work on it!”.

Then I thought, “but if I don’t work on it and he does, that is unfair and I will make him unhappy. And if I do work on it, I will be unhappy because I won’t be doing things the way I want to do them!”

Then, “And if I’m unhappy, he will be unhappy.”

At that point, I decided that I will be a terrible wife and I’m not fit to marry anyone, especially this wonderful guy. Luckily I was about to meet a friend (a new friend) and I ended up unloading on her (welcome to my life new friend!). She was really understanding and helped me see the normalcy of all that I was thinking and feeling. And that just for thinking all of this, I’m probably way more suitable for marriage than I thought.

I didn’t talk to him about this part….about the spiral. I was afraid of what he might think, about what my spiral might do to him. Besides, I wasn’t sure how to say to him “You know I’m going to be the worst wife, right?” without him thinking that I was joking. I wasn’t sure how to say “Are you sure you want to marry me?” in a way that didn’t sound like I was fishing for a compliment or reassurance.

But he’s going to check my spelling and grammar and find out all about it.

I just hope he laughs at the appropriate places.