Mother of The Bride

On Facebook for Mother’s Day tons of my friends are posting pictures of them and their moms from their wedding day. And for the first time in this whole process, I got really excited.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to get married. But when you get engaged a year and a half out from your wedding, it can be hard to maintain excitement all the time. To be honest, I was starting to worry that I was a weird bride….until I logged into Facebook this morning and saw all those young brides and their happy mama’s posed in various states of wedding day bliss.

I started to tear up, imagining what that moment was like for each girl. The one in just her veil with jeans and a button down shirt (don’t want to mess up the hair) holding glasses of champagne. Were they nervous?  The picture of the girl and her mom as she is about to walk down the aisle. What was her mom whispering to her? The party shot of mom and daughter dancing. What song was playing? Was it their song?

I imagine that on the day of my wedding, my mom will be the rock she has always been for me. She will be the person that keeps us all smiling if the hair and makeup people are running late or the limo to the church breaks down. Because that is what she does. When things are bad, she smiles, and she finds reasons to be happy. And she encourages me to do the same.

I’m lucky that I’m basically a carbon copy of my mother. I used to not think this was a good thing. I think we all try to rebel against the inevitability of being our parents. But I’m lucky that I had such an amazing role model.  I think I have a little less of her Pollyanna outlook than she would like me to have, but that’s just my father’s pragmatism kicking in as I get older. But I have her patience, I have her can do attitude (most of the time), and I can only hope that I have half as much of her compassion and kindness.

When my fiance and I were picking a verse for our wedding, we went through all the obvious choices including, of course, 1 Corinthians. To be honest, while it is a beautiful verse about love and what love is, we were looking for something that meant a lot to us. We ended up with the same verse my parents had at their wedding, Ruth 1:16.

But in re-visiting 1 Corinthians, it seems more appropriate for Mother’s Day than for any other occasion. Read it again and think about the time you vomited on your mom’s favorite blouse, think about all the terrible school plays she smiled during, the ballgame’s in the scorching heat that she enthusiastically cheered through, the tears and snot she wiped with her other favorite blouse, the money she spent on your braces and not on buying a new favorite blouse…..your teenage years….

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Mom and Young Becky Easter

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

 

The Employment Chasm

One of the great things about being with someone is when you stop believing in yourself, you have someone right next to you that still believes in you, even when you are sitting in your sweatpants watching “Seinfeld” re-runs and crying about how you will never amount to anything in life.

It’s annoying.

My fiance solves problems for a living. His title at work is “Solutions Director”.  He’s the Olivia Pope of technology. My best friend is a problem solver extraordinaire. Seriously, I don’t think there is a problem she can’t solve in some way and…moping is not allowed in her presence. My mom is like that too…..sense a pattern here?

The thing is, I am not a solver, I’m a listener. I want to hear all about your problems and how they make you feel. I really like feelings…..clearly.

So when I stop believing in myself and want to sink into my couch and hide, I don’t want to hear about all my options for getting off the couch, I want to talk about WHY I’m on the couch.  This is not productive and logically, I know that. But it’s part of my process for getting through issues.

And this one’s a doozy. I’ve been unemployed for a while. Being unemployed sucks. Being unemployed in your 30’s sucks even more because in your mind, you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I know I work in an industry that is mercurial. It’s essential to hop from one job to another, but the hope is that the hop is just that, a short jump between job to job like hopping across stones.  What you dread and what is happening to me now, is the leap, a giant leap across a chasm of employment, and there is a net, sure, but the net gets thinner and thinner as the leap becomes longer and longer. And at some point, the net disappears entirely.

What was once “a week or two to catch up on house work and writing” becomes “those months where I baked a cake everyday and then ate the whole thing.”

When I was single, I thought that it would feel different when I was in a relationship. That the employment chasm wouldn’t make me feel so desparate. But that’s a misconception. I almost feel worse. Now I have someone counting on me.  But worse than that, I have this person that is cheering me on, who believes that I can be everything I can be.  And while that sounds like paradise to single me (and believe me, I’m very lucky to have that), it adds the stress.

If this person thinks I can do it. If this person has faith in me to be the best producer, writer and actress I can be, then I HAVE to do it. For me and for them. I have to be the most successful person in my field because this person is rooting for me. I end up putting tons of pressure on myself which sinks me deeper into my couch and paralyzes me. But I know this is not what my fiance intends to happen. He just wants me to try my best.

It’s kind of like being a Cubs fan. I’m a life long fan of the Chicago Cubs. They never win, I know that. But the reason that fans keep believing that they can win, the reason that the city of Chicago hasn’t bulldozed Wrigley Field is because they try. The team doesn’t go out on the field and try to lose (although sometimes it seems like that…how can the team be THAT bad?!). But they try to win. They don’t forfeit games because they don’t feel like playing or give up because they have a shitty bullpen and maybe 2 guys who can hit the ball. They play. They play with the team they have as best they can.

And that is what gets me off the couch and out into the world again.

 

But seriously, how are the Cubs that bad?