I’ve started to have the wedding dreams already.

In this dream, I woke up one morning and called my mom. I told her that I wanted to get married TODAY! The dream is snip its of me gathering the wedding party and getting them in makeshift outfits that we pick up along the way to the church as we rode through L.A. in a white limo.

We pick up my mom at some point and she had a wedding dress that she got for me because my actual dress that I picked out wasn’t ready yet. Next she tells me that the band and caterer that I originally booked can’t do the wedding that day. And that’s when I started to second guess this decision to get married in a hurry.

We get to the church, which looks a lot like the lobby of the Opryland hotel and I peer inside. There is my wedding party and maybe one third of the guests we invited (which is fine by me, but that’s another blog post). Everyone is scrambling around and no one knows what to do. It is at that moment that I KNOW this isn’t the right thing. This isn’t my wedding, this is something thrown together out of fear and/or impatience.

In the dream, I ask my mom what day it is and she informs me that it is April 1st. Relieved, I tell her to go in and inform the wedding party and guests, APRIL FOOLS no wedding today! And somehow this would be okay with everyone. I woke up from the dream like it was one of those you-have-to-cut-the-wires-on-a-bomb-to-disable-it dreams. The kind that you shoot out of bed from and have to calm down your breathing.

I’m not sure what this means. Maybe subconsciously I was wishing the whole process was over but then the other side of my brain intervened at the last minutes and was like  “No! No! Stop! You want a wedding and you’ve already done most of the work. Just wait it out”. I don’t know if this is a metaphor for my relationship or just the first in a series of wedding panic dreams.

I imagine it has something to do with my constant worry about the amount of change that has happened in the last 6 months. Or it could be that I’m just really excited to become a wife.

Or it could be the garlic bread I ate before bed.

Valentine’s Shmalentine’s

I was talking to a friend yesterday who was bemoaning her singledom. And it was one of those moments where I, as a person in a relationship, was looked at like I had it all figured out. That I just had always had boyfriends and I knew what I was doing with my romantic life and had never suffered the unbearableness of being single on Valentine’s Day. I confessed to her that before my fiance, I had spent every February 14th with my friends or completely alone. Then I went on to tell her about a very awkward, kind of sweet, first Valentine’s Day.

I was 30 years old and had never had a Valentine. I had been dumped on Valentine’s Day. I had been dumped a week before Valentine’s Day. I’d been stood up on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a great history with the day of love.
For our first Valentine’s Day together my fiance and I decided to spend the weekend in Atlantic City. Both of us love gambling so he booked us a nice room at a hotel/casino. I should also mention that this was our first weekend getaway as well. No pressure or anything.

I had just finished grad school and was unemployed, so I didn’t have tons of money to spend on a gift. But I did know one thing…lingerie was a must. In all my dating time, I had never had a guy that I felt comfortable enough with to wear lingerie for. i had come close with a guy, had the fancy panties on and then I found out he actually had a girlfriend, but that’s another story.

So I thought, this guy was going to be the first to see me in scandalous underwear. I obsessively shopped. I went to every place imaginable. Everything was either too expensive, too slutty or both. Finally I found a simple, lace night gown at a small shop in Brooklyn. Lingerie accomplished.

The next step was the gift. Since I spent most of the money on the lingerie, I thought I would MAKE a gift. At the time I was on a baking kick and I knew that he loved cinnamon rolls. So with the help of my amazing sister, I found a doable recipe. I ended up throwing out the first batch because the dough didn’t rise.  But the second rose enough (or so I thought). They actually turned out to be very….. dense….to put it nicely. Frankly, they could have been used as bricks.

So that Saturday, we take the 2 hour ride up to AC. He gets me a card and chocolates (and the room in AC). We gamble up a storm. We drink. We have dinner. We have an awkward exchange with a drunk guy at a blackjack table that asked if we were in love— cool off guy, it’s only been 3 months!

Then, after we’d consumed enough champagne, we make our way up to the room. I was drunk, but still sober enough to be nervous about the lingerie. This was not going to be our first adult sleepover. Or the first time he would be near my naked body. But lingerie sets expectations. Lingerie says “hey, look at my body!” in a way that being naked doesn’t. When I went into the bathroom to change, I told him to not laugh at me. (In hindsight, why would a man laugh at a scantily clad woman? Unless she told him to laugh.)

I tiptoed out of the bathroom doubled over, trying to protect my exposed parts and dove under the covers to hide.

Anyway, no need to go into the rest. The nightie was a hit and the Valentine’s Day was a success (he went on a 45 minute run at the craps today that he still talks about to this day). Although I’m not sure either of us enjoyed those cinnamon rolls very much (he did make a valiant effort though).

Much later he revealed to me that yes, those cinnamon rolls sat like bricks of lead in his stomach for days, but he continued to eat them…because I had made them for him.

And that’s when he knew he was in trouble.

I had a normal post planned, then I saw this

Watch this Bride walk down the aisle, what she did had everyone in tears

I’ll spare you the tissues or the barf bags. She sings. She sings a song as she walks down the aisle. And no, I didn’t cry.

I cringed and got very angry.

Because this is a wedding, not a fucking talent show guys. It is a forum in which your life is joined with another. Now I get the sentiment, it is really sweet and clearly moves the groom, whom I’M SURE it was for, certainly it wasn’t because she wants to use this as an audition tape for The Voice. What makes me think that might be the case? 

The caption:

If ever there’s a moment in a girl’s life when she’s guaranteed to be the center of attention, it’s when she’s walking down the aisle at her wedding. This bride took advantage of a captive audience to bring the house down. Everyone was in tears – especially the groom.

Are you kidding me? Seriously? “A captive audience?!” And if you manage to get halfway through the video when she is actually walking towards him like this is her own personal music video…..SHE’S WEARING A HEAD MIC! Like Britney Spears! It is ridiculous!

And here’s the issue, this song isn’t about the groom or her love for him, I mean it is on the surface. But what is really going on here is that this was purely something she did for herself. Because she wanted to sing. And that isn’t cool.

There are a lot of things I’d love to do at our wedding that play to my talents. But I’m not going to do them. I’ll tell a funny story or write a silly toast for the rehearsal dinner or bridesmaid’s luncheon. I’ll edit a video montage for the reception. That is what those events are for. But your wedding ceremony is about two people becoming one. Not one person demanding attention from everyone. Because you are the bride and people are going to automatically pay more attention to you; you’re in a huge white dress for God’s sake! You need something more attention grabbing than that?!

I’m sure there is a story behind this video. I’m sure he is dying and this is his favorite song. Or this is the song they danced to on their first date. This can’t possibly just be an ego maniacal bride that needed to somehow get a video of her singing to go viral.



Barf. A wedding post.

So occasionally I’ll talk about wedding planning. Ugh, I know. Sorry, it’s on my mind.
Mainly I need to talk about this article I read yesterday:

5 Lies the Wedding Industry Is Selling You

Among the lies you are being fed, brides-to-be, is the one about not seeing each other before the wedding. This article is urging to actually have BRUNCH with your husband to be before the wedding. Personally, I’m fighting everyone to KEEP the tradition for my wedding. Everyone is telling me to do that “first look” photo instead. And, no offense if you had one at your wedding, but I think it ends up looking super hokey. It’s like “Get ready, get emotional….right…..NOW! (take the picture!)”.  I like the idea of the doors opening and locking eyes across the church. And smiling and saying hi and seeing everyone see me for the first time. And guys, yea, I’m going to look awesome, but I get to see HIM for the first time! He’s going to be in a suit and tie and be so nervous and handsome standing there at the end of that aisle. And then I can hold his hand and tell him that I’m there. And we won’t ever stop looking at each other….until 3000 guests separate us for the entire night. I have my entire life with this guy. One night of exchanging knowing glances across a room while being cornered by a mob of adoring family and friends isn’t a drop in the bucket. I think we can handle it without an hour alone to stroll along the street together or whatever.

Another lie you’re being told is that it is “your day”, you again, being the bride. Here’s where I agree.  But while the article urges you to say “it’s OUR day” (barf). It isn’t your intended’s day either. The day doesn’t belong to either of you.

It is a day for your family and friends. You are throwing them a party to say thank you. Thank you for welcoming this person I am marrying into your life. Thank you for supporting this union. Thank you for listening to me while I moan about whether or not he will EVER propose, knowing the whole time that he was going to. Thank you for being a part of this ceremony. Thank you for sitting through the ceremony. Thank you being there when I lied down on your apartment floor and told you “I’ll never meet anyone! I will die alone!”. Thank you for not throwing it in my face that I DID meet someone like you said I would.

I also really liked that they ended saying that this ISN’T the most important day of your life. Exactly. Ladies, gents, let’s get a little perspective here.

Your life will be full of so many wonderful, terrible, important days, that eventually your wedding will fade to a sweet haze of a memory, with only your photographs to recall your dad’s mismatched socks or your cake with the very definite lean to the left.