A marathon not a sprint

The year I turned 30, I ran a half marathon.

I’m not a runner, like by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, in New York I hardly ever ran for a train or bus. Nowhere is important enough that you need to run to get there. Running is reserved for serial killers chasing you and that is about it.

But I digress. I ran this damn half marathon. Not before I almost quit, a million times. And I had every excuse, I pulled a ligament, it got too cold to train, I hated it….but I did it because while I’m an ambitious person, I felt like I had never finished anything I started.

I started with acting at a young age, after college that got hard, so I went to improv, wasn’t making headway there so I moved to sketch comedy, then storytelling, then solo show performance and now writing. I never really stuck to one thing.

And now…I’m promising to be with someone FOREVER.

The-Sandlot-FOREVER

I’m faced with the question of “why?”. Why do I think I can do this forever, when everything else in my life ends after a few years?

Just when I’m about to spiral downward into a pit of self doubt. I think about my friends.  My very best friends in the world are from childhood, high school and college.

“But friendship and marriage are two different things…”, you say.

“Are they?”, I say to you.

Stick with me here. What I love about my friendships is that we have grown up. Together. We have changed and evolved and we’ve given each other the space and grace to do so. Sure, change is weird. And sometimes hard to adjust to, but when you find people that grow with you, that is something worth holding on to.

Cut to marriage. No two people stay the same over the course of 50 years. Or at least they shouldn’t. They should fundamentally stay who they are and stick to core beliefs. But wants and needs evolve over time. That is expected. And I’m really good at rolling with the punches. I’m pretty flexible and accommodating.  I feel like I have the understanding to be with someone who is changing and either give them the space to do it or support them. And  I feel like my fiance, while maybe not as good with rolling with punches, is supportive, understanding and accepting…except for if I decided to become a vegan…that would be totally unacceptable to him as an avid meat eater (think Ron Swanson levels of meat love).

So when I start to panic. I just think about my best friends and all that we’ve gone through together – the moves, the fights, breakups, lost jobs, marriages, babies, divorces, and death. Then I start to feel like, “Yea, I can do this forever thing….as long as he doesn’t want to move to Florida.” (Just kidding….but seriously, I never want to live in Florida).

“I’m a New Yorker…. fear’s my life”

Been listening to RENT a lot lately. And that line, even now living in Los Angeles, always struck a chord with me.

Then yesterday I took the “Which Jennifer Lawrence are you?” quiz on Buzzfeed. I got “Silver Linings Playbook” JLaw. Here is what it said:

You are somehow both the most scared and most fearless person you know, but if anyone calls you out for being so all over the place, they are going to get an earful.

Buzzfeed totally gets me.

It was that first line that I felt in the pit of my stomach like a punch in the gut. “Both the most scared and most fearless person you know”. That is me. Not in a hearing-a-Pink-song-that-resonates that is- so-me sort of way. But in a very real way.

I moved across the country to pursue my dreams of writing, acting, comedy and entertainment business success. But I’m too afraid of rejection to pick up the phone and cold call agents and managers. I agreed to meet a stranger from the internet at an Italian restaurant one cold November night in 2010 without hesitation. But when I think about becoming that guy’s wife, I am paralyzed with fear.

I think this is the point in the blog where I tell you all about how amazing this guy I’m marrying is.  He’s funny, adventurous, supportive, cuddly, and most importantly for me, grounded. He let’s me be me. And in the end isn’t that what we all want? But even more than that, he makes me want to be a better me. He’s not perfect (how hard is it to put a can in the recycling bin?!), but he is perfect for me.

Now, where was I? Oh yea, paralyzing fear of becoming this incredible man’s wife.

It feels insane to be afraid. Maybe it is just the anticipation of it that is scary. Like going on a roller coaster.

So, I love roller coasters. If you ask me to get on one I don’t hesitate to say “yes!”. The fastest, loopiest, longest, highest…I will do them all and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Until right before the ride starts. The moment they strap me in I say to myself, “What the hell are you doing on this metal death trap?! You think this harness is going to keep you from falling to your death?!”. Then the ride starts and I don’t have time to think,  it happens so fast. Then it’s over. And then I’m like “Let’s do it again!!”.

I don’t think marriage is going to be exactly like that. Especially the part where I want to do it again. Hopefully I’m just doing it one time. But I hope the part where I don’t have time to think is true because my brain is the reason that I get so scared. And I hope it doesn’t go by too fast. But I fear it will. And that part is very scary too.

 

 

 

 

 

title of post

A shout out to musical theater nerds on that one.

When I was trying to come up with a name for this stupid blog it became less about naming a blog and more about figuring out who I am now. For a very long time I was “romantic single bumbling her way through New York City”. The name for that girl’s blog practically writes itself! But now I’m “soon to be married woman, ambitiously pursuing her career in Los Angeles who really wants a dog”. That blog name doesn’t come so easy.

Then that sort of raised this whole bigger issue for me. When you are in a relationship or married, you don’t want to be identified as the “married girl” but when you are single you use that as a self identifier all the time. I was single for so long that it became who I was. It was part of everything I did. When I met my fiance my biggest fear was that I would be the “friend with a boyfriend”. I had seen other friends go the way of the boyfriend and I worked very hard to make sure that didn’t happen to me. I maintained all my friendships and my relationship pretty well back in New York. And because my fiance travels for work, a lot of times I was single during the week and a girlfriend on the the weekend. I mean, I didn’t do ALL the stuff single people did, but you know what I mean.

Then we moved. And I became the girlfriend, then fiance, full time. People that meet me now don’t know that I was once a carefree single gal doing the walk of shame on Sunday mornings and drunk brunching with my girls. They don’t know about the times I made out with random guys in ATM vestibules (yea, multiple times…hey, New York is cold). They don’t know about the Halloween where I broke my nose dancing. Or the night I convinced a guy I was British and he called me the next day to ask me out.

People that meet me now, the single people at least, think I have it figured out. That I met the man of my dreams and that was that. But that wasn’t that. I got my heart broken numerous times. I ate junk food and cried into glasses of wine over many men. I went out with assholes and liars and man-childeren. I did all that. That’s how I got here.
To Los Angeles. Engaged. Wanting a dog.

I hate this part

When I was dating, my least favorite part was the first few dates. Where you talk about where you’re from, what you do, how many siblings you have, where you went to college….the basics. There’s a line from the play “Women of Manhattan” where a woman is on a first date and she explains her date that she wishes she could give him a shot that would just insert all of that bullshit into his brain and that get on to the deeper part. And that is what I wish for you, strange reader that was hoping she would be reading a wedding blog and but instead is reading this.

All you need to know is I was single in New York and now I’m engaged in Los Angeles. It happened that quickly it seems now. Although six months ago, I didn’t think it was happening fast enough. But now I feel like life is a car that’s brakes are shot hurtling down Mulholland Drive at breakneck speeds. I’m even making reference to L.A. streets now instead of New York!

I’m getting married in 10 months and I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about that. I’m not so much into the whole wedding planning scene. So if you are here hoping for tips on DIY garlands and party favors…sorry.

It’s a about change, relationships, life, wedding planning and finding a role in a new city. And a little bit about flowers. But only a little.